Hello all my lovely AA readers, if you remember, I ran a series on Love Keys for Marital Bliss some time ago and ever since, people have not stopped making request that it be sent into their mail box. Therefore, I deemed it fit to go over it again, not only to grant the request of those asking for it, but also to give fresh opportunity to those who are coming in contact with it for the first time. So, enjoy it.
It is not an understatement to say that, no matter how a marriage ends, the beginning is always very “sweet.” What then accounted for the sweetness of a love relationship before a marriage is consummated? Why is it that in marriage, a lot of stress is experienced by many couples, leading to either outright divorce or separation, or the couple becoming complete strangers to one another? This is the riddle I will try to solve with this write up- love keys for marital bliss.
Love keys are the different ways of expressing love to one another that bring about the best romantic marriage anyone can experience. I term them keys because without them, you are denied access to your spouse’s heart. Remember that with the right key, access to a door is guaranteed, while the door remains permanently inaccessible without it. Couples must realise that for marital harmony and love sustenance in marriage, they must know what love keys are, understand how they work, and discover which of these keys works for their partners to ensure the fire of their love burns “till death do us part.”
Everyone needs love
One fact of life that couples need to realize is that everyone needs love. Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. This starts from childhood and follows us into adulthood and into marriage. The need to feel loved is the greatest key for marital sustenance. When we feel loved, we become amazingly wonderful in relating with our partner, while without love, we make life naturally unbearable for our partner through harsh words, misbehaviour, unfaithfulness, withdrawal, and criticism among others.
What makes people feel loved differs from person to person
The popular saying “One man’s meat is another man’s poison” is definitely true with reference to what makes people feel loved. While one person may see an act of kindness as an expression of love, to another it may be the attention showered on her, while to someone else, positive comments are what make for love. This is what couples must realise in other to enjoy the best relationship marriage can offer and to sustain the love that brought them together as couples.
When two people fall in love, they become emotionally obsessed with each other. They sleep and wake up thinking of each other, and how wonderful their life will be together forever. They speak poetic words, act lovingly towards each other, overlook one another’s faults easily, bear with one another things that will ordinarily piss them off, and above all, feel there is nothing that can separate them from one another.
Furthermore, they also feel they know each other well enough to be able to handle themselves or cope with those things that make them look incompatible to those close to them. According to Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Languages of Love, “The person who is ‘in love’ has the illusion that his beloved is perfect. His mother can see the flaws but he can’t. His mother says, “Darling, have you considered she has been under psychiatric care for five years?” But he replies, “Oh, mother, give me a break. She’s been out for three months now.” His friends also can see the flaws, but are not likely to tell him unless he asks, and chances are he won’t because in his mind she is perfect and what others think doesn’t matter.”
This is what makes many people feel that love is blind. At this stage of falling in love, caution is thrown to the wind, and we believe everything our love partner says, without questioning it; we ignore every warning signal that all may not be well. But, eventually, marriage opens our eyes. We now realise that falling in love is an illusion whose average life span is very short. According to Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years, which may last a little longer for a secretive love affair.
Eventually, after marriage, our eyes become open and we begin to see the weaknesses of our partner: irritating behaviours, annoying attitudes, hurtful mannerisms and so forth. We suddenly remember those warning signals that we ignored and ask ourselves questions we should have asked before getting married. At this point, best love birds of three years ago can suddenly become covenant enemies, with the marriage platform as the battle field.
What happens to love in marriage?
Love turns sour in marriage because before marriage, lovers don’t take enough time to understand what their love keys are. That is, they do not understand what makes each partner feel loved. Rather, we assume that the nice looks, the tender care, loving comments, caring acts and even emotional tearful demonstrations are all what make us feel loved. While all of us need all the above ingredients of love, the one that makes a person feel most loved differ from partner to partner. It is the fact that we don’t know and understand this difference that account for the many heartbreaks we see in marriage. For instance, a husband keeps slaving himself out to provide for his home, spending most of his time outside the home. Yet, his wife seems unappreciative of it. To her, slaving himself to provide all she needs is not what makes her feel loved. She prefers that out of his hardworking effort, time is created for a regular time of closeness with her in the house. And this is driving the husband crazy. He just cannot understand why she seems not to appreciate all of his effort, and every attempt by his wife to get him reason with her he sees as a misplaced priority on her part. The problem here is simply not knowing each other’s love keys.
LOVE KEYS
As earlier said, love keys differ from person to person, and everyone who cares to make a success of his/her marriage must make effort to discover his/her spouse’s love key. Discovering your partner’s love key will help to draw the best out of him or her because it will communicate your true feeling to him/her. It’s works like magic, turning a hopeless marital situation around for good. Dr. Gary Chapman called these keys “five love languages.” But for me, as Aunty Mebs I prefer to call them “love keys.” This is because with them, you can get your partner’s attention naturally, and effortlessly. When used in the right way, you get maximum response and cooperation; but when you neglect it, you can be rest assured that there will be fire on the mountain.
These keys are basically five in number, just as Gary Chapman puts it in his book, ‘The Five Love Languages.’ However, for purpose of clarity, I chose to name them as follows:
Key 1: Good words or verbal compliments
Key 2: Undivided attention
Key 3: Physical contact
Key 4: Gifts appreciation
Key 5: Good deeds
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