Naeto C’s Business Puberty, Boring Samklef, And Sister Cossy Orjiakor

Few of us like a Monday morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
Una welcome again! It’s just a shame that we have to do this only on Mondays. I know you all will like to have this super gossip column every day, but too much of good thing no good (that’s if you see my gossip as good thing). Anyhow sha, I really did miss una. Your laughter, your comments, your remarks, your likes and your love. So let’s get this started. Read, enjoy, laugh without ceasing. But then don’t forget to share your experience in your comment section.
Naeto C Takes His Porting M.SC Lessons
These days Nigerian music industry is desperately trying to be like Nollywood, the black sheep of entertainment industry, where everybody wey manage get small phone with camera and mouthpiece, go buy candle begin find trouble for 52 Idumota Lane. That’s why we see films now where ghosts go dey sweat, ghosts go look road before crossing, ghosts go dey dodge bullet, GHOST! Why I should I die when instead of flying and terrifying the shit of my killers, I’d still be subjected to running after Danfos and Keke Napep. But that’s what Nollywood serves up these days and frankly, Satan is seeing you, and I’m sure he is happily writing some of your names on his favourite list. Repent and start acting good movies.

Eyes of Life

Nigerian music is slowly headed there (that’s if we aren’t there already). Any guy with a Mohawk who owns a laptop and a Virtual DJ go begin dey think say God anoint am to be the next Jimmy Jatt. That’s why some songs these days are not worthy of my dog’s consumption, talk more of humans. That’s absolute torture. Nothing spoil sha. Every hustle na hustle, any way na way. But do you know the cause of the problems? No? Then listen. After carrying out 7 days of research and visited Ajegunle for inspiration, I have found that money is the root of all yeye music. Think about that, I won’t give a reason because you no dey pay me.
And then the second reason being that everyone wants to own a record label. Like say na the new oil company be that. Every where you turn, you’ll see a record company signboard with names that scare you. Sexy Taye Entertainment, Awesome Dogs Music, Dangerous Oluwa Records, Babalawo Records…they plenty. What kind of music do you think will break out from a music house with a name like Awesome Dogs? Well, God help us. Now Naeto C don join the record label owners. He’s left Storm records and now, he’s officially the only record label owner with an M.Sc. Congrats son.  Just make sure say you do everything to avoid the pipeline. Bring out good music, sign better artistes, attend shows, publicize yourself, blow your trumpets, Just make sure say you no end up like Waconzy  wey blow with one song, then run comot Port Harcourt come open record record label for Lagos. Since then, na so so pipeline wey the young man dey. Sotay him don cut him dreadlocks, then run go Europe to go do Bambi Allah.
Naeto C, God bless your new hustle…

Samklef: We Refuse To Endorse Your Romantic Suwe
There’s a reason why people marry their women, and then call it holy (boring) matrimony. It’s because nobody want to see how you play stale love. We want to see you in romantic relationships but with a girl that you’ll dump the next second and hookup with a wealthy sugarmummy. We don’t want to see you and your wife hold ringed fingers and kiss legally on our dear streets. That’s a crime against holy matrimony, keep your marriage to yourself. We no want follow enjoy.
Samklef released his latest video last week, Suwe Remix, with that Dagrin-wannabe, Olamide, doing some of his delightful Yoruba poetry  on the song. Amebo wey I be, I carry myself to go peep from my neighbor window watch the video. And then my gossip mood kicked in. No be my fault, you hear? I was born with an open mouth. First, the video tush, I know say na abroad they go shoot that video. Whether na London, or na Cotonou, I know say no be Naija be that. Well don. Then Samklef get mind use him wife shoot the video. Unforgivable! Samklef, see, There’s a reason why God put all those fine fine girls everywhere for the world. One of those reasons na to beautify, decorate, and tush up that your video, while you increase their bank account with some payment. Everybody goes home happy. You are happy, the girls are happy, your viewers are happy, even Amebo is happy, and the sun will rise up the next day…happy too. But no, you no gree. Against good judgement and reason, you pulled your wife in front of the camera and then played stale, boring love. She is your wife, we no wan see this public matrimonial romance. If anything, I think we’ll pay to actually see behind-the-scenes action between the two of you. Leave that wife sampling to Charlie Man Boy. That’s his personal ministry because he has a freak family which we can actually stand to see while hoping that they rip off their clothes in public and go 7 rounds. I bet they can. Now for the part wey make me vex tear boxers. Samklef and Yvonne, una get mind draw Suwe begin dey play for video wey I dey watch. Abomination! Whoever directed that video deserves to be banned for even conceiving that idea. It was creative, but that’s the kind of creativity that makes you sink into bankruptcy, and your village politics. We have seen D’Prince eat banana and we didn’t complain. Wizkid touch woman butt for video, we still no complain. Banky W sample him sexy bald head for video, still wwe held our peace. And now you dey play Suwe for video. Does it get any worse?
Please everyone, there’s no book on earth that says Suwe is romantic. Take a girl out, watch a movie, go bowling, shoot some poker, but keep Suwe out of the mix. When the kids come, then let them enjoy the Suwe. It can never be romantic. And as for you Samklef, you have been warned. We have you on our radar. This time you go scot free. Next time, only the most twisted of minds will imagine what my big mouth go talk.

Sister Cossy Orjiakor
When you see an entertainment magazine that goes by the name, Chizy Spyware, the sane thing for you to do is to kick into panic mood, say a quick silent prayer of protection and hurry along without touching it. Because if you actually refused to follow your heart, and get a hold of the virus disguised as a Magazine, then this is what you’ll see:

Now you can scream

I didn’t heed to my advice above, so when I grabbed the magazine and saw that, I took off my medicated glasses, removed my contact lenses, took a trip to the optician where I washed…no…sanitized my eye with eyedrops, kai kai. Eye conditioner, Jik, eye cleanser, eye deo-dust-rant, eye see-fume, eye spray, and then after that, I still stared at the picture, and it didn’t change. That was when I resigned myself to the fact that we truly living in the last days. Cossy Orjiakor…or Sister Cossy, is that really you? See her looking calm, collected, decent, and boring. She looks just like every kid’s favorite school teacher. But then you begin to remember that this is the same lady who pioneered X-rated movies in Nollywood, dumped her boyfriend because he could not buy her a jeep, is famous for her ‘Breastigious’ acting skill, and is responsible for the breakup of 17,000 Nigerian marriages (exclusive gossip statistics). I think I also know of a religion where serious prayers are offered to her most prominent body part. It’s called Boobaism. The worship of Enormous busts.
But then even though I was shocked beyond repair by the rustles of my mind’s storm, (you must like poetry), I continued to cry for the old Cossy, until I read her interview, and  she said:
“I embrace every aspect of me, as a business woman I look good in corporates and during work hours I am always well dressed with my boobs covered up. When it is time to play I love bustiers, they always look cute, sexy and do wonders to my cleavage.“
See the last line..wonders to my cleavage, her wonderful cleavage. On seeing that, overhapiness wan kill me. Like a Boko-haram released prisoner, I ran shouting down the street. “I knew it, I knew it.” Somewhere, in all that makeup, suite and eyeglass, is the real Cossy, The National Pervert.
As for you, Chizy Spyware, take your time, do you know you were 5 minutes away from igniting a new civil war. Next time, I’m sure you’d want to put Terry G through the embarrassment of wearing a suite and having an actual haircut.

Jim Iyke And Nadia Buari: Rinse And Repeat
We’ve been here before I think. Where two consenting celebrities will suddenly remember that they exist. The male will like the ladies personality, her smile, her dimple (if she has one), and then her waist (very important if the dude is Iyanya). The girl, she likes his charm, his muscles, his looks, and then his power (you know the kind of power I mean).  So this story is supposed to feel like just another celebrity romance gossip, but then…na Jim Iyke o.
I don tire to write about this Jim Iyke self. I have patiently documented every one of his f***ups since I received the Amebo anointing. For more on Jim Iyke click here. So I’ll just go straight to the matter.
In case you don’t know, or you’ve been too busy trying to earn your pay, then let me tell nack you tori. Jim Iyke-Chan (after his fighting mentor, Jackie Chan), the most celebrated hot-head and best public fighter in Nollywood, The only man wey no sharp enough to fake reality TV show without getting his black ass exposed has finally found love again. Hurray! We rejoice with you.
Jim Iyke get good taste for women. And I suspect say him inherit am from him papa. Last time he had a steady girlfriend, it was Keturah Hamilton, the Jamaican time-bomb. Both of them played Rastafarian love which ended with Jim’s scripted show being exposed to the public eye. But now, he’s finally caught another sweetie from abroad. From Ghana actually. It’s the beautiful, sweet, charming, sexy, sharwama-ish, bottombelle-ish, oyinboish, pretty-ish Nadia Buari, the little mermaid of Gollywood. And trust them, their love is one with a difference since it’s not just the companionship or the publicity stunt. Their relationship has some poetry in it. (and some interesting pet names too).

She calls me Skittles. I named her Space. D gift of laughter, companionship n trust is incomparable. BFF. Love is a f***ing beautiful thang!

May 23, 2013 5:44 pm via Twitter for iPadReplyRetweetFavorite

@jimiykeofficial

Jim Iyke

There comes a point in ur life wen u realise who really matters, who never did and who always will.~I named him Skittles,he calls me Space.☺

May 23, 2013 5:44 pm via Twitter for BlackBerry®ReplyRetweetFavorite

@B5sNadiaBuari

Nadia Buari

Take a deep breath people, you’ve just being blessed by the poetical might of Jim and Nadia, the new Romeo and Juliet. Skittles and Space, Jitters and Sparks, Kettles and Frying Pans, Amebo and ……………..(Put your name in, jare. We too must romance), baby boo, fill in your name before i change my mind....WINKS....

Amebo’s Photo Of The Week

Don’t be scared, it’s just your boy M.I, playing with his dirty 32. Enjoy!