Few of us like a Monday morning, but Amebo Pulse does
for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s
entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the
down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
Una welcome again! It’s just a shame that we have to do this only on
Mondays. I know you all will like to have this super gossip column every
day, but too much of good thing no good (that’s if you see my gossip as
good thing). Anyhow sha, I really did miss una. Your laughter, your
comments, your remarks, your likes and your love. So let’s get this
started. Read, enjoy, laugh without ceasing. But then don’t forget to
share your experience in your comment section.
Naeto C Takes His Porting M.SC Lessons
These days Nigerian music industry is desperately trying to be like
Nollywood, the black sheep of entertainment industry, where everybody
wey manage get small phone with camera and mouthpiece, go buy candle
begin find trouble for 52 Idumota Lane. That’s why we see films now
where ghosts go dey sweat, ghosts go look road before crossing, ghosts
go dey dodge bullet, GHOST! Why I should I die when instead of flying
and terrifying the shit of my killers, I’d still be subjected to running
after Danfos and Keke Napep. But that’s what Nollywood serves up these
days and frankly, Satan is seeing you, and I’m sure he is happily
writing some of your names on his favourite list. Repent and start
acting good movies.
Eyes of Life
Nigerian music is slowly headed there (that’s if we aren’t there
already). Any guy with a Mohawk who owns a laptop and a Virtual DJ go
begin dey think say God anoint am to be the next
Jimmy Jatt.
That’s why some songs these days are not worthy of my dog’s
consumption, talk more of humans. That’s absolute torture. Nothing spoil
sha. Every hustle na hustle, any way na way. But do you know the cause
of the problems? No? Then listen. After carrying out 7 days of research
and visited Ajegunle for inspiration, I have found that money is the
root of all yeye music. Think about that, I won’t give a reason because
you no dey pay me.
And then the second reason being that everyone wants to own a record
label. Like say na the new oil company be that. Every where you turn,
you’ll see a record company signboard with names that scare you. Sexy
Taye Entertainment, Awesome Dogs Music, Dangerous Oluwa Records,
Babalawo Records…they plenty. What kind of music do you think will break
out from a music house with a name like Awesome Dogs? Well, God help
us. Now
Naeto C don join the record label owners. He’s
left Storm records and now, he’s officially the only record label owner
with an M.Sc. Congrats son. Just make sure say you do everything to
avoid the pipeline. Bring out good music, sign better artistes, attend
shows, publicize yourself, blow your trumpets, Just make sure say you no
end up like
Waconzy wey blow with one song, then run
comot Port Harcourt come open record record label for Lagos. Since then,
na so so pipeline wey the young man dey. Sotay him don cut him
dreadlocks, then run go Europe to go do
Bambi Allah.
Naeto C, God bless your new hustle…
Samklef: We Refuse To Endorse Your Romantic Suwe
There’s a reason why people marry their women, and then call it holy
(boring) matrimony. It’s because nobody want to see how you play stale
love. We want to see you in romantic relationships but with a girl that
you’ll dump the next second and hookup with a wealthy sugarmummy. We
don’t want to see you and your wife hold ringed fingers and kiss legally
on our dear streets. That’s a crime against holy matrimony, keep your
marriage to yourself. We no want follow enjoy.
Samklef released his
latest video last week,
Suwe Remix, with that
Dagrin-wannabe,
Olamide, doing some of his delightful Yoruba poetry on the song.
Amebo wey
I be, I carry myself to go peep from my neighbor window watch the
video. And then my gossip mood kicked in. No be my fault, you hear? I
was born with an open mouth. First, the video tush, I know say na abroad
they go shoot that video. Whether na London, or na Cotonou, I know say
no be Naija be that. Well don. Then Samklef get mind use him wife shoot
the video. Unforgivable! Samklef, see, There’s a reason why God put all
those fine fine girls everywhere for the world. One of those reasons na
to beautify, decorate, and tush up that your video, while you increase
their bank account with some payment. Everybody goes home happy. You are
happy, the girls are happy, your viewers are happy, even
Amebo is
happy, and the sun will rise up the next day…happy too. But no, you no
gree. Against good judgement and reason, you pulled your wife in front
of the camera and then played stale, boring love. She is your wife, we
no wan see this public matrimonial romance. If anything, I think we’ll
pay to actually see behind-the-scenes action between the two of you.
Leave that wife sampling to
Charlie Man Boy.
That’s his personal ministry because he has a freak family which we can
actually stand to see while hoping that they rip off their clothes in
public and go 7 rounds. I bet they can.
Now for the part wey make me vex tear boxers.
Samklef and Yvonne,
una get mind draw
Suwe begin
dey play for video wey I dey watch. Abomination! Whoever directed that
video deserves to be banned for even conceiving that idea. It was
creative, but that’s the kind of creativity that makes you sink into
bankruptcy, and your village politics. We have seen
D’Prince eat banana and we didn’t complain. Wizkid touch woman butt for video, we still no complain.
Banky W sample him sexy bald head for video, still wwe held our peace. And now you dey play
Suwe for video. Does it get any worse?
Please everyone, there’s no book on earth that says Suwe is romantic.
Take a girl out, watch a movie, go bowling, shoot some poker, but keep
Suwe out of the mix. When the kids come, then let them enjoy the Suwe.
It can never be romantic. And as for you Samklef, you have been warned.
We have you on our radar. This time you go scot free. Next time, only
the most twisted of minds will imagine what my big mouth go talk.
Sister Cossy Orjiakor
When you see an entertainment magazine that goes by the name,
Chizy Spyware,
the sane thing for you to do is to kick into panic mood, say a quick
silent prayer of protection and hurry along without touching it. Because
if you actually refused to follow your heart, and get a hold of the
virus disguised as a Magazine, then this is what you’ll see:
Now you can scream
I didn’t heed to my advice above, so when I grabbed the magazine and
saw that, I took off my medicated glasses, removed my contact lenses,
took a trip to the optician where I washed…no…sanitized my eye with
eyedrops, kai kai. Eye conditioner, Jik, eye cleanser, eye
deo-dust-rant, eye see-fume, eye spray, and then after that, I still
stared at the picture, and it didn’t change. That was when I resigned
myself to the fact that we truly living in the last days.
Cossy Orjiakor…or
Sister Cossy, is that really you? See her looking calm, collected,
decent, and boring. She looks just like every kid’s favorite school
teacher. But then you begin to remember that this is the same lady who
pioneered X-rated movies in Nollywood, dumped her boyfriend because he
could not buy her a jeep, is famous for her
‘Breastigious’
acting skill, and is responsible for the breakup of 17,000 Nigerian
marriages (exclusive gossip statistics). I think I also know of a
religion where serious prayers are offered to her most prominent body
part. It’s called
Boobaism. The worship of Enormous busts.
But then even though I was shocked beyond repair by the rustles of my
mind’s storm, (you must like poetry), I continued to cry for the old
Cossy, until I read her interview, and she said:
“
I embrace every aspect of me, as a business woman I look good in
corporates and during work hours I am always well dressed with my boobs
covered up. When it is time to play I love bustiers, they always look
cute, sexy and do wonders to my cleavage.“
See the last line..wonders to my cleavage, her wonderful cleavage. On
seeing that, overhapiness wan kill me. Like a Boko-haram released
prisoner, I ran shouting down the street. “I knew it, I knew it.”
Somewhere, in all that makeup, suite and eyeglass, is the real Cossy,
The National Pervert.
As for you, Chizy Spyware, take your time, do you know you were 5
minutes away from igniting a new civil war. Next time, I’m sure you’d
want to put
Terry G through the embarrassment of wearing a suite and having an actual haircut.
Jim Iyke And Nadia Buari: Rinse And Repeat
We’ve been here before I think. Where two consenting celebrities will
suddenly remember that they exist. The male will like the ladies
personality, her smile, her dimple (if she has one), and then her waist
(very important if the dude is
Iyanya). The girl, she
likes his charm, his muscles, his looks, and then his power (you know
the kind of power I mean). So this story is supposed to feel like just
another celebrity romance gossip, but then…na
Jim Iyke o.
I don tire to write about this Jim Iyke self. I have patiently documented every one of his f***ups since I received the
Amebo anointing. For more on Jim Iyke
click here. So I’ll just go straight to the matter.
In case you don’t know, or you’ve been too busy trying to earn your
pay, then let me tell nack you tori. Jim Iyke-Chan (after his fighting
mentor, Jackie Chan), the most celebrated hot-head and best public
fighter in Nollywood, The only man wey no sharp enough to fake reality
TV show without getting his black ass exposed has finally found love
again. Hurray! We rejoice with you.
Jim Iyke get good taste for women. And I suspect say him inherit am from him papa. Last time he had a steady girlfriend, it was
Keturah Hamilton,
the Jamaican time-bomb. Both of them played Rastafarian love which
ended with Jim’s scripted show being exposed to the public eye. But now,
he’s finally caught another sweetie from abroad. From Ghana actually.
It’s the beautiful, sweet, charming, sexy, sharwama-ish,
bottombelle-ish, oyinboish, pretty-ish
Nadia Buari, the
little mermaid of Gollywood. And trust them, their love is one with a
difference since it’s not just the companionship or the publicity stunt.
Their relationship has some poetry in it. (and some interesting pet
names too).
She
calls me Skittles. I named her Space. D gift of laughter, companionship
n trust is incomparable. BFF. Love is a f***ing beautiful thang!
There
comes a point in ur life wen u realise who really matters, who never
did and who always will.~I named him Skittles,he calls me Space.☺
Take a deep breath people, you’ve just being blessed by the poetical
might of Jim and Nadia, the new Romeo and Juliet. Skittles and Space,
Jitters and Sparks, Kettles and Frying Pans, Amebo and ……………..(Put your name in, jare. We too must romance), baby boo, fill in your name before i change my mind....WINKS....
Amebo’s Photo Of The Week
Don’t be scared, it’s just your boy
M.I, playing with his dirty 32. Enjoy!